Hi Gigi, I’m an empathic and I want to ask you how can I be less terrified to others, specially with the man I love. He knows I can read, feel and know HIS true self. I’m like this scary mirror on witch he can see himself fully. That scares him. He loves me but he is in pain therefor I am in pain too. It’s a bless to have this gift but it’s so hard sometimes! Specially with the ones you love the most but they are afraid to be with you because they can see there selves in our eyes. Hope you can help me and maybe know if this is not just me.
Thanks! Much Love to you 🙂
Thank-You for writing, your situation is highly relatable and actually typical to empaths. For those who are not sure what an empath is Google has defined it as:
“(chiefly in science fiction) a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.”
These are people who have the capacity to feel other peoples inner worlds, particularly as though they are their own. I must say the “chiefly in science fiction” bit is quite ridiculous as this ability is not a fantasy, and it is not a joke for the people who are gifted with it. In fact, there is much in ‘science fiction’ that is actually very, very real, it is simply pushed off into the realm of fantasy because it has not been socially acceptable to speak about.
Empaths are highly sensitive people and for this reason relationships can be challenging as they may not know where their partner ends and they begin. Mirroring and projecting issues can become so convoluted it becomes an absolute mess! On top of that empaths tend to be people pleasers as it is easier to absorb energy in an attempt to create harmony than to absorb chao all the time. Many empaths are used to acquiescing to people because conflict can be so excruciating, especially as a child who has not learned how to handle their abilities. For an empath, being around people who have a toxic emotional body can be excruciating just like being in a room of screaming people or being physically cut or punched. The only way to mitigate their sensitivity is to develop a strong sense of self and some boundaries, when this is done they can begin using their abilities instead of their abilities using them. Their relationships can become honest instead of overwhelming.
Here are a few guidelines on how this can be done:
Discover your passions in life.
What do you love? What makes you excited and happier than a cat in a yarn factory? It can be as simple as walking in the park or as complex as building those tiny ships in glass bottles. Perhaps you want to start your own radio station and talk about important topics, take a painting class or run a marathon. Dig deep and feel into what you would love to do and ignore whether or not your logical mind thinks it is possible.
Pursue those interests, on your own, courageously.
Developing a sense of self is imperative, if you don’t get a good sense of who you are it becomes easy to take on other peoples stuff. Empaths struggle with identity, they can relate to almost anyone so they have to work harder at self exploration, they must dig deep and do activities they enjoy. When you begin to feel overwhelmed you want to have a place inside where you can connect with a genuinely developed sense of self. This way you can then compare and contrast much easier, what is not yours will be obvious, and you can move on or communicate with confidence.
Once you figure out what you love to do, start pursuing it. Perhaps it is only one day a week, that is better than nothing and it is actually quite a lot when you are new at something. As you go you may be introduced to more avenues that you like and you will feel the incredible feeling of honouring your excitement. Dedicating yourself to exploring what inspires you is an act of self discovery where in you meet your true self. It is an odd fact that we can be 35 years old, heck, 60 years old, and still not scratch the surface of who we are or why we came here. The sad truth is that if we only do what we feel we have to in this life, and not what we truly want, we will not feel our own heart and soul, and when that happens it is easy to lose ourselves, with no centre we become permeable to the world around us. As an empath this kind of self neglect can lead to the inability to distinguish your energy from others, you will continuously feel like a victim. At the end of the day, how can you truly know your self if you haven’t been genuinely investing in it?
I also suggest you do this self exploration journey alone, you can invite your partner or friends here and there, but you want to be in your own pure energy. If this frightens you, good. That means you are coming up to attachments and there is the possibility for great growth! Empaths can lean into co-dependant relationships as buffers, so the idea here is to feel the world on your own.
Now that your relationship is not responsible for your self image nor the main source of your energy, you can begin to create boundaries.
Wait. What are boundaries? People take a lot about them, but what are they?
Boundaries are cut off points where we choose to honour ourselves rather then descend into perceived unhealthy patterns or drama. Boundaries are generally focused on keeping your energy balanced and nourished as this is the only place that you will be able to genuinely connect with others. Boundaries ensure that we keep our centre allowing us to perceive situations with clarity as well as honour and protect our inner-child/vulnerable self.
It is very easy for empaths to put their people pleasing pants on and begin fashioning their lives around others. Boundaries can be a scary thing for an empath because they may have to stop carrying other peoples emotional weight, and when that happens their family and friends will be forced to look at their own issues. This may not be a pleasant experience as the empath is challenged to honour themselves and command space in a way that they have perhaps avoided doing their whole lives. Once and for all we are standing up for our vulnerable inner child that was not in the world enough yet to command space as we can now.
Boundaries and the self love that forms from them is one of the ultimate life lessons for empaths. If boundaries are cultivated an empaths life can rise to a higher octave.
It is important to note that creating this type of supportive structure is not mean or rude although people who are not used to you having boundaries may perceive them as a threat. They may see your energy shift and get a tidal wave of emotions that they have been avoiding. Whether it be consciously or unconsciously, they will feel the sting of not having access to your life force any longer. This is actually a good thing as it gives them an opportunity to feel into themselves exactly where they need to heal, if you continued giving them energy where they lack it they would not heal.
You may even feel as though you are being cold as we can become addicted to familiar energy patterns, even if they are unhealthy.
Some good guidelines for creating boundaries are:
Become assertive when you feel you are not being honoured
To be clear: assertive, not aggressive, assertive, there is a difference between these expressions. If you feel as though someone or something is entrenching on you and you have to compromise in some way and are not clear on whether you should do so, excuse yourself from the situation. This may mean coming back to the situation at a later date, whatever it takes to make a centred decision. If you feel as though your partner is placing too much blame or pressure on you, excuse yourself so you can feel into the truth of the situation. If you feel as though you, yourself are triggered or overwhelmed, tune into what you need to get you vibes up and come back when you feel clear.
It is your right as a human to feel good about your commitments. The more you honour yourself the faster this process will become and the easier it will be to communicate. If you feel nervous about this check out NVC or Non Violent Communication, a series of teachings that was surely written by an empath. The people around you deserve to connect with the real you and you deserve to be heard.
Spend less time with people you feel are draining or unhealthy for you
If you feel a relationship has become toxic, take time away from that person. Maybe it’s them, maybe it’s you, either way space will help provide clarity. It is difficult to be around someone regularly and discern how their energy effects us. It helps to take a few steps back and see how our intuitive body settles the information. Unfortunately some people will target empaths because they can manipulate them emotionally, you need to be sure you are functioning from your centre to understand where others are coming from. People who genuinely care about you will give you all the time that you need as you find this clarity.
Know that boundaries are strength and power
Keep in mind that knowing how to manage your energy in this world translates into incredible personal power. When you know what you deserve and communicate it with love the world is your oyster. The land of roller coasters and exhausting extremes can now fall back into the distance. Boundaries are the container for your emotional life force in this world, create strong ones that allow you to build beautiful things with ease.
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